I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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