Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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