I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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