i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Drunk is a universal language darling
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