It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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