my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
