Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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