he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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