I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
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I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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