Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
wow bdsm is so cute
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
