every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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