Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
