first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
