@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
