Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
