she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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