Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
