I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
