what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
