Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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