I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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