i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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