rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
