Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
