"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have aggressive nipples.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
