I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize