In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
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