youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Randomize
