i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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