he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
