I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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