I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
