she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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