@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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