i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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