Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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