How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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