I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
