At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
