you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
