Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
