It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
