I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
