Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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