How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
