You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
