theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
