Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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