you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
