Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
