I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am midnight drunk by noon
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
