i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
