I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
