Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
