hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am midnight drunk by noon
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
